


Without Idea of Bliss

by Pre_Reform_Voice



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Havarl, I can't even tag this without saying too much, One Shot, Post-Canon, explosive trees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26566351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pre_Reform_Voice/pseuds/Pre_Reform_Voice
Summary: Jaal has been MIA for months, Havarl is finding new and creative ways to kill everyone, and an assassin opts out of his mission.
Relationships: Jaal Ama Darav/Female Ryder | Sara
Comments: 30
Kudos: 13





	1. Perfection of Excellence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _((The title is taken from the song_ Midnight Sun _by Deine Lakaien. Listen to it. This is the mood I’m setting. To think that I half planned to write a crack fic. I’ll say what inspired this a little later, which might explain why I thought this would be humorous. Although you’ll probably know anyway after the first chapter.  
>  Anyway, this is largely self-indulgent. I need to get Andromeda out of my system somehow, maybe this helps. Also, this is a one-shot. I didn’t do much else today.  
> All chapter headings are taken from the text to Britten’s _Rejoice in the Lamb _.))_

The view from Mithrava was stunning. Sara had always thought so, and this hadn’t changed. The last time she’d been here seemed like a lifetime ago. So much had changed. She had changed. Back then, she had been trying to keep up an air of confidence when she had no idea what she was supposed to do, feeling like everyone was either waiting for her to fail or possibly hostile. Now, the confidence was real, but her heart was bleeding and it didn’t seem to get any easier.

‘Sara?’ A taloned hand landed on her shoulder, turning her around. ‘Sara, I know Kiiran asked you to come and look from above, but by look she didn’t mean jump of the highest cliff you can find.’

‘You know I wouldn’t do that, Vetra.’

‘Yeah. But you can slip.’

‘I fell out of a ship.’

Vetra sighed but let it go. ‘Ideas?’

‘I think that whatever happened was some weird coincidence and … shit.’ Below them, a flame shot into the sky, quickly followed by another a short distance away. ‘Always in pairs, she said.’

‘And this one was in the middle of the forest. Damn it, this is bad. Think there’s something wrong with the vault?’

‘SAM?’

‘The vault is working as designed,’ the voice said, not really helping. ‘The environment is not the cause of the explosions.’

‘Right. Do you have any ideas what _is_ the cause?’

‘No. But there were temperature spikes at both sites. The first one at one hundred degrees Celsius. The second was at minus one hundred degrees Celsius.’

‘That …’ Sara shook her head. ‘That’s not possible.’

‘Maybe I can help?’ Suvi’s voice came over Sara’s earpiece. ‘This might be what we call the Peltier effect.’

‘You’ll have to elaborate. In plain English.’

‘Well, oversimplified, you exchange heat from one point to the other. The trees on Havarl are very rich in sap and essential oils. The essential oils catch fire at high temperatures and the sap expands in the cold. Both lead to what looks like an explosion.’

‘And how does that happen, exactly?’

‘Not by itself.’ The scientist was quiet for a moment. ‘You’d have to investigate the sites. With luck, you’ll find whatever tech was used to do this.’

‘But to what end?’ Sara asked quietly.

‘I’ve got a feeling that to answer that, we need to know how first.’ Vetra had her arms folded and a serious look on her face. ‘Something’s very wrong here.’

‘I don’t care about the how,’ Sara said abruptly. ‘I want to know who. Then I can stop them.’

‘Well, I think we can rule out the kett.’ When Liam had come up behind Sara, she wasn’t sure. ‘Or the angara. Or anyone we know, really.’

Sara took a deep breath. ‘Let’s look at those trees. Or what remains of them.’

‘Pathfinder,’ SAM cut in. ‘I need to warn you that this might prove hazardous. We do not know where or when the next explosion will happen.’

‘This is the birthplace of the angara, for fuck’s sake.’ Sara felt like stomping her foot but refrained. ‘We are not going to ignore this, especially not if Kiiran asked as for help. She hinted that this is some sort of terror attack. So yeah. No-one we know, I’ll believe that. But maybe it’s someone the angara know.’ She sighed. ‘Oh, Jaal, how I’d need you right now.’

Vetra squeezed her shoulder. ‘Maybe we find out where he is, too. He vanished on Havarl, after all.’

Sara smiled, but she knew it didn’t reach her eyes. Jaal had disappeared after delivering a filter from Aya to the scientists. He’d left and had never come back to the Tempest. Sara had no illusions that he was alive. Havarl was a dangerous planet, even if the distance he’d had to cover wasn’t great. She had to do this alone and there would be no answers for the questions she really cared about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((The exploding trees are inspired by Trumps inane statement that Austrians live in forest cities despite the very explosive trees. As an Austrian, I have found this extremely hilarious – and no, we very much do not live in forest cities, in case anyone thinks that. We also do not thin any fuel. And our trees do not explode. Anyway, I knew I wanted to write something for Andromeda but had no idea what. So that statement was good for something, at least.))_


	2. Duly and Daily Serving Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Do you speak Sanskrit? If you do - there's your chance. If you don't - don't bother trying Google, I misspelled the word I took from it. I'll elborate later._

‘Ayuda! Come over here.’ No thought of disobedience entered his mind. He stood promptly and walked to his commander, ready to listen attentively, to follow his orders to the letter. ‘Your information on the wildlife was very useful. You are allowed two units of food paste right now.’

A smile formed on Ayuda’s face. He wouldn’t have to go to sleep hungry, for once. If he kept at it, his chances of long-term survival would increase. ‘Thank you, commander.’

‘When you have eaten, you will go to Mithrava. The sages are in league with the Initiative and have to be dealt with.’

Questions begged to be asked. Why was he suddenly allowed on duty outside of their shelter? Especially on what had to be a difficult mission? Sharp pain shot from the base of his skull upwards. ‘How do you wish this to be done?’ he asked. The pain faded as he stopped to ask himself stupid questions.

‘No-one can see you. They will kill you if they catch you and you are useful.’

If he was so useful, why was he barely allowed to leave the premises? Again, Ayuda felt as if a red-hot knife sliced into his head. His discomfort showed on his face and his commander’s expression was one of gentle reprimand. ‘Ayuda. You know better than to think everything to death. You’re only hurting yourself. You know you are a lost one and the lost ones ache when they think.’

This was the sad fact of his life. He had no family, no connections, and without that, his mind was in turmoil. The solution was simple: Don’t overthink. Just do as you are told and when you are truly part of your new family, the pain will stop. And then you can do all the thinking you want. If only it were that simple.

‘Ayuda. Do this for us, and you will take your rightful place among the Roekar. I shouldn’t tell you that yet, but you will be my second in command. And when you are, when you’re fully a part of us, you will feel so much better.’

‘Yes, commander.’ He smiled at the prospect of being accepted. And indeed, the pain lightened when he focussed on the here and now: Eat. Grab your weapon. Leave. Wait for orders. The commander would see through his eyes and would instruct his movements. He had to function, not to think. If he did that, everything would be just fine.

Ayuda went through the motions mechanically. He was getting better at this. Only a few weeks ago, he had lain awake for hours at night. He’d been in agony, unable to stop his mind from going in circles. How long had he been doing this? How long would it take to get easier? What had been his incentive to come here? Why was he letting them ration his food to the bare minimum? Why was he putting up with sleeping on the ground if he didn’t succeed at some trivial task? Why did he feel like something had gone from fine to a total skkutting catastrophe, when in fact he should be grateful? The only answer had been pain and the welcome darkness of exhaustion swallowing his frayed thoughts.

Now, he knew how to turn away from them. Focus on the moment, your current task. There was always one. Many of the others – all of them? – could decide on their own time table, but they weren’t lost ones. They didn’t have to battle headaches that felt as if their brain were on fire. The commander was doing him a favour by giving him something to do all the time. And the other restrictions were equal for everyone. You had to earn your food or a bed to sleep in. Every day. It was as it should be.

Ayuda reached the top of the mountain hours later. He knew he’d never find his way back down alone. He hadn’t paid attention to where he went, only to the voice in his earpiece sending him from one point to the other. Mithrava lay ahead of him. He could not be seen. The commander would take care that he wasn’t. There weren’t too many people here. He’d pick them off, one by one, from the shadows. Retreating as it was necessary. The blame, he knew, would be put to the Pathfinder and her Initiative. He’d plant false evidence – again, carefully monitored by the commander. And when he came back, he’d be a hero. He’d take his rightful place. No more pain. No more fear. No more wanting to scream into the night.


	3. From the Hand of the Artist Inimitable

‘This is beyond weird.’ Sara deactivated the scanner. ‘Someone put some sort of … wiring in the ground?’

‘I just don’t get why they’re … Shit!’ Vetra jumped forwards, arms to both sides. She managed to slam both Liam and Sara onto the ground with one fluid motion.

Before she could protest, Sara felt a wave of heat washing over her. She felt like she was being roasted alive. Worse than Elaaden. Much worse. A scream wrenched from her throat, but before she knew it, the heat was gone. She tried to move, but every part of her body hurt.

‘Sara!’ Vetra’s voice filtered through the haze of pain. ‘Sara, Liam, we need to move.’

Fighting her pain, Sara forced herself on her hands and knees. The world was cast in a riot of purple and orange, a crackling sound in her head that refused to go away. Fire? Fire! ‘Shit,’ she managed. Shaking herself, she stood. All around them, the forest was burning. ‘Liam?’

‘I’m good. More or less. Let’s get out of here before we choke to death.’

Ignoring the fire, Vetra used a sword to hack a path they could follow. It struck Sara that without the turian they would probably have died. Being used to a much more punishing sun, she had a resilience no human could ever compete with, but even her skin was damaged on the left arm. Slowly, it got better as they got out of the heat and smoke. The fire was close on their heels, but the vegetation didn’t catch quickly. The trees didn’t burn easily, it seemed.

‘We have to do something about this or Havarl will burn to the ground,’ Liam said.

‘We’ll think of something when we’re out of the fire ourselves.’ The turian was limping. ‘Can you keep going?’

‘If I say no, will you carry me?’ Sara asked.

Her attempt at humour fell flat. ‘If I have to. But I can’t promise that I’ll get you very far.’

‘What about carrying both of us?’ Liam ventured.

‘You know what?’ Vetra halted briefly just to be able to scowl at them. ‘Why don’t you grasp each other’s feet and I roll you through the forest?’ Her mandibles flared, betraying her amusement. ‘Come on. It’s not far and we really need to get someone out here to control the fire.’

When they reached the scientists more than half an hour later, Sara made a mental note to ask Vetra for her definition of ‘not far’ when she was close to collapsing. The moment she stepped inside the research station, they were rushed by a bunch of worried angara, who ushered them to beds to fuss over them.

‘I’m fine, look after the humans.’ Vetra’s voice was weaker than she wanted to, Sara was sure. ‘Really, look at them first.’

‘They’re being taken care of,’ an angaran male said. ‘I will look after you, you look terrible. What happened?’

‘Tree. Boom. Right next to us. There’s a forest fire, you need to do something about that.’

‘Suvi?’ Sara said, ignoring the angara fretting over her as best she could. The woman was stripping her down to her underwear and she didn’t even care. ‘Can we do anything from orbit?’

‘We can help them coordinate and I am already in contact with a team that will attempt to stop the fire from spreading.’

‘Thanks. Keep me posted. We’re fine, by the way, tell everyone not to worry.’

Except they were not. They were burned badly and … Something in Sara froze. She moved off the bed, ignoring the protests of the medic trying to apply some admittedly soothing balm to her burns, and reached for her dark green rofjinn. The back of it was burnt completely. Tears welled up in her eyes and she pressed the fabric against her face, trying to hide her distress. The medic put her hand around her back – careful not to touch where her skin was raw from the heat. ‘I suppose this was a gift from someone special?’ she asked.

Stifling a sob, Sara nodded. ‘He made it for me,’ she said quietly. ‘And now he’s gone and I can’t even have this memento.’

The medic took a look at the damage and sighed. ‘I’m afraid this can’t be fixed.’

Feeling numb and defeated, Sara let the fabric slide to the ground. ‘A lot of things can’t.’


	4. Give Praise for the Liberty

Ayuda had a small knife in his right hand. Breath held, he waited for his moment to strike. The commander whispered to him to be patient, to wait. Ayuda saw the opening the moment the voice told him to attack. Feeling the impending success, Ayuda stepped up to his target, fast asleep and not in direct sight of anyone as long as he stayed low.

‘Now!’ the voice commanded.

Ayuda’s hand was raised, ready to draw his knife across his sleeping target’s throat. He lowered it, slowly. The shouting in his ear got annoying. Still as if in a trance, he reached for the contraption that covered half his head, providing him with visor, earpiece, and microphone, and dragged it off his head. He pulled himself up to his full height. Knife in one hand and headpiece in the other, he met the wide eyes of a young woman with green and purple skin. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again, confusion written all over her face.

Ayuda sighed. He couldn’t do this. But he couldn’t betray the others. He’d give them a false name, in case they managed to get their hands on correspondence that identified him. If he could, he’d give them the slip. Searing pain shot through his brain and he groaned, but he forced himself to get a grip. One step at a time. Nothing too complex and he should be all right.

‘I’ve come here to kill you.’ He raised his knife, not as a threat, but to demonstrate. ‘But I don’t want to. I turn myself in.’

‘What by all the stars … Who are you?’

Ayuda gave the first answer that came to mind, one he didn’t have to think for. A name he knew, although he didn’t remember where from. ‘Jaal Ama Darav.’

‘What?’ The young woman seemed even more shocked. Perhaps this had been a bad choice. Apparently, that name carried some sort of weight. ‘Esmus!’ she shouted and another angaran came running. They talked in a whisper, too low for Ayuda to hear across the distance. Finally, the female nodded. ‘Get in that tent. We’re giving you to the Initiative. Don’t try anything, we’ll keep a careful eye on you.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Ayuda said. ‘I won’t.’


	5. Hospitable Disposition

Whatever taboos angara had about being ill, their medicine worked wonders. The salve they had applied had turned the skin on Sara’s back from one huge painful blister into thin but non-agonising … well, skin. Vetra had a bandage on her arm, but other than that she was fine. She had also successfully stopped them from putting her into anaphylactic shock by using something with the wrong chirality on her. The forest fire was under control, for the most part, but every day there were new explosions and unless they got them to stop, Havarl was going to be in trouble.

Kiiran came to her from Liam, smiling. ‘Don’t worry so much, we’ll find answers. Next time you go into an exploding forest, wear protective armour.’

‘Noted.’ Sara’s eyes strayed to the ruin of her rofjinn.

‘That from Jaal? I’m so sorry. I know you were very close.’

‘I just … I miss him so much.’

Kiiran brushed a hand down her arm. ‘Pathfinder, I hate to bother you with this, but Esmus wants you to come to Mithrava.’

‘Something wrong up there?’

‘He didn’t say. But he asked me to send you soon because they have a situation.’

‘That’s comforting.’

‘He said you should bring shackles.’

‘Come again?’

‘Yes, that was my reaction, too. Apparently, they have a prisoner and plan to hand them over to you. I suspect that someone from the Initiative did … something.’

‘God, please not the forest fires.’

‘I … hope so, too. There’s talk that the Roekar are reforming after falling pretty much into insignificance and that they’re treating their people rather terrible. We caught one, once. He was extremely frightened of us, thought we’d starve him to death. By the looks of him, they’d have managed that in a few more weeks.’

‘Wow. Now they’re making their own people sound like the enemy? This doesn’t sound like Akksul.’

‘No. It doesn’t. But it’s not your problem. We’ll deal with them. Somehow.’ She frowned slightly. ‘Are you ready to go? If you need more time …’

‘No.’ Sara ached for something to do, something that would occupy her mind long enough to find the next challenge. She couldn’t keep sitting around. If she did, she thought of Jaal, and if she thought of Jaal, she wanted to cry. Sara hated crying, so she needed action. ‘We’re going. Liam, Vetra … get a move on. We’re visiting Mithrava.’


	6. Nations and Languages

Ayuda was woken up by a gentle hand shaking his shoulder. Tejan – the one he had spoken to on his arrival – had a soft spot for him. Why was beyond him, but after two days in Mithrava, his mind started to work again. He couldn’t think too hard for too long, but he was getting better. Perhaps it was his connection to her, the fact, that she seemed to care. She had told him to eat, to sleep, to take care of himself when he had been unable. And she was protective when some of the sages expressed their distrust. He had surrendered, after all, she told them, so maybe he wasn’t a lost cause. ‘Jaal, the Pathfinder is here. She’s bringing you to the Initiative.’

The thought scared him. The Roekar had told him that the aliens would kill any of them they could lay their hands on. He didn’t want to die. And he didn’t want to leave because if he was cut off from the fragile friendship with Tejan, his pain would surely come back.

Rubbing his hands over his face, he sat up and peeked out of the tent. Three aliens stood with Esmus. Two humans and a turian. The latter turned her head to him and stopped talking in mid-sentence. She nudged the human female – she had to be the Pathfinder – hard in the ribs and pointed.

The woman turned to him and stared. The turian was talking to her, but she didn’t seem to hear and started walking, making a beeline for him. Before she could enter the tent, Tejan stood in her way. ‘Will you harm him?’ she asked abruptly.

The Pathfinder halted before her. ‘I won’t. I promise you. I’d never hurt him and I won’t let anyone else do it, either.’ Without waiting for Tejan to question her further, she pushed past her into the tent. Her eyes settled on Ayuda’s, intense as if they were searching for something. ‘Jaal? Are you okay?’

He was glad that he had given them a false name. ‘Esmus told you who I am, then. I am … reasonably well.’

She snorted. Or she sobbed. He wasn’t sure. ‘He didn’t. I know you well enough without that. Do you … know who I am?’

‘You are the Pathfinder, one of the aliens.’ He frowned. ‘But if he didn’t tell you …’ He blinked, confusion jumbling anything he wanted to say. ‘I don’t understand and it hurts to think.’

She steeled herself visibly. ‘I am Sara Ryder. Call me Sara. We’ve … known each other pretty well. You went to bring the scientists here equipment from Aya and never returned. We all thought you are dead.’

‘Then this is my real name?’

Sara Ryder took his question in stride. ‘Yes. I would like to take you to my ship. We have a very good doctor, she’ll look at you. What do you remember?’

‘Not much. But it is getting better. I’m still in pain when I try to think about anything beyond this moment.’

‘Then don’t think.’ She smiled. It looked vulnerable and sad. ‘Will you come with me?’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘You always have a choice.’

He looked at Tejan, who shrugged. ‘We can’t help you here. If the Initiative can, you should go with them.’

‘Then … I will follow you.’

‘He’s been drugged, I think,’ Tejan said. Interesting. She hadn’t told him of her suspicions. ‘Whatever is in his system is slowly getting out. We haven’t told him about the forest fires. I didn’t want him to worry because, well. It hurts him.’

‘Thank you for taking care of him.’ Sara’s eyes flicked to him and away again as if the sight of him burnt him. ‘Come on, Jaal. Let’s go. Lexi will have kittens.’

‘Kittens?’

Sara’s lips twitched. ‘Idiom. I can’t wait to use more of them on you.’ Despite himself, Ayuda – no, Jaal felt better – smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Ayudha, in Sanskrit, means weapon. I lost the h to make it less obvious that I used an existing word for a name. I mean, the dh doesn't look exactly angaran._


	7. At Variance With Me

‘They gave him some blend of tavum and ketamine. Apparently, the combination leads to anterograde amnesia. I don’t even want to know how they found that out.’ Lexi huffed. ‘The poor guy is trapped in his own personal hell. He didn’t want me to tell him my name, struggled for a bit trying to force himself to remember, and then nearly collapsed with pain.’

‘How long before that gets better?’

‘I’m sorry, I can’t say.’ The asari was visibly frustrated. ‘I also don’t know for certain if his memories will come back, but … He found his way to the medbay without direction. So I’d guess it’s still there. He also asked me what your relationship to him was. I think he has some vague recollection but can’t quite grasp the thought.’

‘Did you tell him?’

Lexi shook her head. ‘No. I don’t think that would help.’ She smiled. ‘He wants to talk to you. I’d advise you not to answer that particular question, should he ask it. He needs to come back to his memories himself.’

‘The sage told me that he couldn’t do anything without instruction. Is that still true?’

‘No, but I can imagine it was like that. I didn’t ask him who did this to him. I figured you should do that. But be careful, if he shows signs of distress, ease up.’

‘What do you think, Lexi?’

‘I think you should ask him to pick a room. I wonder if he’ll pick the tech lab again. If he does, it’s a good sign.’

Sara nodded and entered the sickbay. Jaal was sitting on one of the beds, looking lost. ‘Hi, Jaal,’ she said. ‘Do you want to take a look at the ship?’

‘I want to sleep. I’m so very tired.’

Sara nodded. ‘You can choose any place you like. Assuming it isn’t occupied. Just look around and make a pick.’ Feeling her heartbeat up in her throat, she followed Jaal as he exited the medbay and turned right. He put one hand on the ladder, then he hesitated and turned to stare at the door to her quarters.

‘What is in there?’ he asked.

‘My place. You can look if you like.’

Jaal hesitated before opening the door. He stepped inside and took everything in. ‘This seems … familiar. Have I been here?’

‘Yes.’ She shouldn’t, she really shouldn’t, but she couldn’t stop herself. ‘Quite a lot, actually.’

He nodded. ‘Do you believe I’ll remember?’

Unable to help herself, Sara reached out and brushed a hand over his arm. ‘Yes. I really think you will.’

‘I feel like I want to remember.’ He closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘Lexi said not to push. This place … it’s too strong.’ He turned abruptly, and this time he did take the ladder. Once he was at the top he pointed at the door there. ‘There is the bridge.’

‘Yep.’

‘And my room will be … across and to the right. No, to the left.’

‘Yep.’

‘Hmm. After I’ve rested, I would like to speak to you. I have information about the Roekar. Where they are. What lies they tell.’ He hesitated. ‘No. We shouldn’t waste time. They will know I am lost to them.’

‘Are the Roekar burning Havarl?’

‘No. Ah … perhaps, yes? They told me that it was the Initiative.’

‘It’s not,’ Sara said vehemently. ‘If it’s someone of us, please believe me that we do not condone any of this.’

‘I do.’ Jaal folded his arms. ‘No, I cannot sleep while they are lying and planning murder. You need to listen.’

‘I’m sure they’re not going anywhere. That is, if they haven’t left already, after you turned yourself in to the sages.’

‘Havarl is important. They are destroying everything in order to break your alliance with the angara.’ He frowned. ‘They gave me a false name. If they lied about this, then I assume everything they told me was a lie. That means you are not my enemy and you never were.’

‘Well, you’re right about that.’

‘Pathfinder – Sara. You have to send me back down.’

‘What?’

‘I need to put an end to this.’

‘Not alone, you’re not, and not when you’re completely exhausted.’ She stepped into his personal space and, when he didn’t look like he wanted to retreat, put her hands on his arms. ‘If you want to infiltrate them, let’s do this. But you’re still not okay, and I don’t want you to risk yourself.’

Jaal’s eyes were fixed on hers. He plucked her hands off him and looked at them. ‘What were you to me, Sara? I feel … a connection to you. I want to agree and at the same time I want you to stay here … stay safe.’ He tilted his head. ‘A part of me wants to hold you close and wipe your tears away. To close my eyes and … rest in your arms.’ Almost forcefully, Jaal stepped away. ‘But I cannot. Not when I don’t remember.’

‘I … I understand.’ Sara swallowed past the lump in her throat. ‘Jaal, please. Sleep a little. Then we go and get them. And when your memories are back … we’ll talk about the rest.’

After the door to the tech lab had closed behind him, Sara stood staring at it for almost five minutes. Eventually, she decided to go to her own quarters to try and get a grip on herself. ‘SAM?’ she said. ‘If he tries to leave, let me know.’


	8. The Beginning of Victory

‘How many enemies are we expecting?’ Sara asked in an undertone. She was wearing armour that made her look like remnant and holding an odd, roundish pistol.

‘Difficult.’ Jaal was crouched close to her, in shouting range of the entrance to the remnant structure the Roekar had claimed. ‘Not many. Perhaps twenty, tops. They had plans to recruit aggressively, but they hadn’t got to do it.’ He frowned. ‘It was difficult … to memories new information. I only recall things I heard or did frequently. I’m starting to think I was a prototype. An experiment. And if their drug worked on me as they wanted, they would do it to others.’

‘The Roekar were pretty much non-existent after Akksul shot at you. Is he still their leader?’

‘No. Akksul is dead.’ Jaal frowned. ‘Killed by you, they told me, but somehow I doubt that now.’

‘I didn’t kill Akksul. He wanted to make me do it, but I … trusted you when you told me not to.’ With her free hand, she touched the side of his face. ‘He shot at you and gave you this scar. And they stood down.’

‘I … believe you.’ He huffed. ‘The current leader, our … ah, _their_ commander is named Taavos.’

‘What, no way!’ Sara froze, shocked by her outburst. She lowered her voice. ‘He was with them, but he understood that this was wrong.’

‘Well, he changed his mind back, it seems.’

‘Or lied in the first place. Do you know anything about the forest fires?’

‘No. But I do know that there are no Roekar to speak of aside from those in there.’

‘Are more of them drugged?’

‘I don’t think so. They told me I was in pain when I tried to think because I had no family. No others had that problem, so I assume they chose to do this.’

‘You have a family, Jaal. They’ll be all over you when they hear you’re alive. Are you okay with killing the Roekar?’

‘They are okay with killing sages that don’t hurt anyone. They must be what remained of the Roekar after Akksul was defeated. The radicals. Those so driven by hate they wouldn’t see sense.’

‘I admire you, you know.’ Sara smiled. ‘Even without any idea of who you are, you haven’t got it in you to murder innocents. Not even when resisting hurts like hell. You’re an amazing guy.’

‘I don’t feel all that amazing. I feel like I should be put on trial.’

‘None of this is your fault, Jaal. I know it’s easy for me to say, but don’t blame yourself.’

He huffed. ‘Well. Let’s go. I’d suggest that I take point, but I understand if you don’t trust me.’

‘I trust you.’

‘Then leave the guards to me and come in after five minutes. It will give us an element of surprise.’

‘I won’t abandon you. I’m giving you three minutes, but I can’t hear you even if you shout through those doors.’

‘I know.’ He left his cover. ‘I’ll see you inside.’


	9. With Elegant Quickness

Sara waited right at the door, forcing herself to give Jaal his three minutes. She didn’t want to leave him out of her sight for a second, but if he could give them a chance to stay undetected longer, she’d let him. When to door opened after less than two minutes, she raised her pistol in alarm. Jaal laughed softly. ‘Are you going to shoot me, Sara?’

Letting go of the breath she’d held, Sara lowered her weapon. ‘Not even if you try to shoot me first.’ She followed him inside and found two unmoving angara by the door. ‘I was worried that they’d be on the lookout for you and take you captive the moment they see you.’

‘Me too, but I had to take that chance.’ He sighed. ‘I don’t even know their names, Sara. Only Taavos and one other, Tejiil. She was the requisitioner. She assigned who got how much food, unless she’d been asked to give someone more. We never got enough. They told us our supplies were so short because the Initiative was stealing the resources from the angara. From what I have seen, you have actually given more than you have taken. Why are they doing this?’

‘Hatred doesn’t need a reason, Jaal.’

‘No. It seems that it doesn’t.’

They made their way through the dark corridor until it opened into a cavernous hall. ‘This is where stealth won’t help us anymore, I’d guess,’ she said. ‘How many do you think are in that room?’ Peeking around her cover, she saw three angara sitting at a makeshift table with what might be a map between them. Two others were moving too far back for her pistol.

‘Probably no more than six or seven. A few will be eating at this time. A few sleeping. They take turns guarding the door and three of them are almost always resting.’

‘Then we’re dealing with six or seven here, plus eight more that are in another room but able to reach us quickly. The three or so that are sleeping will take a little longer to get their bearing. I suggest we stay here, where we have some cover and let them come to us.’

‘I agree.’ He hefted a sniper rifle – not his Darav but an Isharay from the tempest she’d given him. ‘I can take those at the back out. You take anyone who comes closer. If they get too close, give me a warning.’

‘Will do. We fire together, you one at the back and I at the table. On my count … three, two, one – _fire!_ ’ The Isharay bellowed too loudly in the closed space, and the projectile from her pistol thudded into the table. Before the three angara could get up or Jaal could comment, the small explosion took all three of them out, leaving only debris behind.

Jaal looked at her pistol. ‘What is that?’

‘Scorpion. The salarian Special Tasks Group uses those. Handy, isn’t it?’

‘Very. A gun that works for someone with shit aim.’

‘Careful or I’ll have you on Nomad cleaning duty for a week.’

Jaal laughed, and it was so normal, so genuine, her tension bled out all in one go.

From their position, taking out the Roekar wasn’t too hard. Sara kept a careful headcount. There couldn’t be many left, perhaps two or three.

‘Taavos and Tejiil must still be in there,’ Jaal told her. ‘There can’t be many more left.’

‘We’ll have to move, I doubt that they’ll come to us.’

‘Very ungracious of them.’ Jaal swapped the Isharay for a blade and side by side they entered the room.

‘Stop right there or she’s dead,’ a cold voice announced. Sara searched and eventually found an angara lying behind an armoured body, using it to keep her rifle stable.

‘This gun doesn’t belong to you,’ she said sharply. ‘You stole it from Jaal and he’ll have it back.’

‘Jaal will be dealt with. Leave him to me and you can walk away.’

‘Like you’re letting me go. Jaal, she’d never let me go.’

‘I know.’ His deep voice was laden with emotion. ‘But she’s not the only one with her sights trained on you and I cannot shoot both at once.’

‘For fuck’s sake, I’m not abandoning you.’

‘I’m not asking you to. But I ask you to let me handle this.’

‘Well, if you’ve got a plan, you’re way ahead of me.’

Jaal smiled briefly. He placed his rifle and his blade on the ground and had his hands in the air. He approached – but not who Sara assumed was Tejiil. Only now she saw that there was another gun pointed at her, the person wielding it shielded from sight by debris and dust. Jaal stepped into his line of sight of her, and she knew he was dead if she shot Tejiil now. Scared, she waited.

The exchange between Jaal and the other man was too quiet for her to eavesdrop, but at the end, Jaal went to his knees with his hands behind his back. Now she recognised Taavos as he stepped out of cover and towards Jaal. When he was just in front of him, Jaal moved as fast as a tensioned spring. His hand shot forwards and smacked against Taavos’s leg before he catapulted himself away from him. A gun shot bellowed from across the room at the same time as she fired at Tejiil. And because she actually did know how to aim, she hit her. She didn’t watch as the projectile ripped her apart a couple of seconds later, her eyes darting back to Taavos. An explosion shook the room, loud enough to make her ears ring and violent enough to shake the ground itself. Jaal, way too close to it, was thrown across the room and into a wall like a ragdoll. Sara couldn’t even scream.


	10. Nothing Sweeter Than His Peace

Sara jerked awake abruptly. For a moment she was confused, then she recognised her quarters. A look at the chronometer told her she’d slept for three hours. Suddenly wide awake, she stumbled out and to the medbay. The door opened – it hadn’t before, when she’d been pacing the corridor while Lexi was operating on Jaal. Lexi wasn’t there now, but one bed was occupied.

Wanting nothing more than to lie down next to Jaal and hold him, she approached the still figure. He was alive. That much was clear from the instruments watching him and from his chest, rising and falling steadily. Swallowing, Sara sat down on a chair next to him and took his hand. ‘You’ve got to be okay,’ she said softly. ‘You’ve got to wake up and be okay.’

‘He will be.’ Lexi stood in the door, looking tired. ‘I was going to wake you in a few minutes. He’s going to come round soon. He was awake briefly, but people coming out of anaesthesia aren’t really aware, so I waited for him to nod off again for a bit before fetching you.’

‘And you’re sure …’

‘He’ll be fine, Sara.’ Lexi leaned against the doorframe. ‘I wanted to tell you that we have a counter agent for the drug they gave him. Thanks to the data we recovered after retrieving you and Jaal from the Roekar hideout, it was easy enough. They had helpfully stored the information how to cancel it. Among other intel. Like how they were using the Peltier effect to make the trees burst and how to blame the destruction on us.’

‘Can you give him that counter agent?’

‘Already done. He’ll never remember his time with the Roekar properly because his brain couldn’t store the information, for lack of a better description. But memory retrieval of previous events should come back fast.’ Lexi looked at the display at the side of the bed. ‘Any minute now. I’ll give you space. Call me if you need me.’ The door swooshed shut behind the asari and Sara focussed her attention on Jaal’s face. He looked peaceful, just asleep. She’d once watched Peebee coming out of anaesthesia, and it had been … weird, to say the least. The asari had been convinced that Lexi had implanted her with a chip. After Lexi had given her a mild sedative she swore was safe after an operation, she’d woken up normal and without any memory of the event.

Jaal’s eyes fluttered open and focussed on the ceiling. ‘Jaal?’ Sara said. ‘Jaal, you’re safe.’

His head turned to the side and he took her in. She could see the recognition that hadn’t been there before and tears welled in her eyes. ‘Taoshay,’ he said quietly. ‘I hoped that I’d survive, but I wasn’t sure I would.’

‘I’ll question the sanity of putting a sticky grenade on someone who is standing just in front of you when you’re feeling better.’

Jaal laughed softly. ‘Would you bring me some water, please?’

‘Sure.’ Sara nearly fell over her own feet as she fetched him a recyclable cup with water. When she came back, Jaal was struggling to a sitting position, and knowing how very stubborn he was, she assisted. Telling him to lie back down wasn’t likely to be successful. He reached for the cup with a shaking hand, but there she drew the line. ‘Let me help you. I’ll hold it for you.’ Slowly, she assisted as Jaal took a few careful sips. ‘Jaal, you have no idea how scared I was. Not just now, this whole time. Do you … what do you remember?’

‘Everything. I think.’ He looked at his hands. ‘Sara, I understand that me working with the Roekar, even under the influence of a drug, is serious. I’ll understand if you … I mean, you said we would talk about everything when I remember. I’m not sure if you meant we’ll talk about how we’ll find back to what we were after such a long time or … if you meant that this is something we can’t recover.’

‘Let me answer that very clearly. Look at me, Jaal.’

He did, his fear of losing her written plainly on his features. Sara had learned to wear her heart on her sleeve for him, but right now, she kept her expression carefully neutral. She cupped his cheek, and his eyes closed at the contact, pressing in to the touch. She used that moment to move closer, brushing her lips over his in a soft kiss. ‘I love you more than I can ever tell you,’ she said softly. ‘None of what happened was your fault. My report says that you had been taken captive by the Roekar and that is the God-honest truth. What they did to the forest on Havarl is being stopped by Liam and Vetra as we speak, and you had no part in that. You hurt no-one. You were used and abused and I’ll help you heal if you’ll let me.’

Before she could pull away to let him answer, Jaal put his hand on the back of her head and brought her close again, kissing her in earnest before touching his forehead to hers. ‘I truly am blessed. You are the light of my life, darling one, brighter than all the stars.’ He let her go and looked at the door. ‘When do you think I can get out of here? The smell of antiseptic is horrible and the constant beeping won’t let me sleep. And I need to do something. I’ve been useless too long already.’

‘You want to do something? You can make me a rofjinn. Mine was destroyed when a tree exploded behind me.’

‘I’ll do that. Maybe out of some fireproof material?’ Mischief was dancing in his eyes, telling her he would truly be okay. Not at once, that was clear, but he’d get there. They’d both get there.

‘Good idea. And while you’re at it, make yourself something that has stronger shields. Just in case you try standing on a grenade again.’

Jaal chuckled and let himself slide back down onto the pillow. ‘I’ll do that. Stay with me a bit?’

‘As long as it takes for Lexi to carry me out.’

Jaal’s eyes closed. ‘It’s good to be home,’ he said softly before he slipped back into sleep with a smile.


End file.
